Morgan Templar: 0:00

The right partner. I think is crucial to bringing your inner self out, in feeling confident and on a solid foundation to be able to interact with others.

Justin Wenck: 0:10

What's all required of a romantic relationship Because honestly I like to differentiate between lovership and partnership. But a lot of the partnership stuff can basically be outsourced to friends, to family, to other people. But lovership is that just like that spark, that juice. But that can just happen in like an instance of a passing rays and a meeting of eyes.

Jacqueline Dilworth: 0:32

I think that love is work. You have to work at it. It isn't a thing that you work hard at, but you have to work mindfully at and you have to keep on doing the things that you say you do.

Tonya J. Long: 0:40

Hello, this Tonya Long, and today you are listening to RESET, where purpose meets possibility. Today is a special episode. It was born of an idea as I was talking with one of my early podcast guests and we recognized that a central theme of everything we are doing as we transition and reset into a new way of life, everything is based on love, and with Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I wonder what all of my guests think about modern love. Modern love is not just the typical romantic love that most of us think about first. Modern love is about community. Modern love is about the planet. Modern love is about self, and so as I began to carve out time after each of my interviews and speak with people about love, I realized that it's a central theme of everything we do. And I realized that, though Valentine's Day is not one of my favorite holidays at all, talking about love is so necessary for us to recognize all the ways that we are each deeply loved by those in our space. So we've compiled today's show from past podcast guests, from a couple of special friends that I just couldn't wait to get into this virtual studio so we can talk about what modern love looks like for each of them. I think it's going to be a remarkable conversation and I look forward to hearing your thoughts on modern love and how each of us are in a position to create more of it and to see it differently, to recognize that we are each undoubtedly surrounded by love. In this community, where we're focused on creating courage, clarity and community, I think we also will generate love. Happy Valentine's Day to each of you.

Tonya J. Long: 2:58

Hello everyone, our first segment is with John McElligot. Why don't you tell us about yourself?

John McElligott: 3:03

Sure, my name is John McElligott. I am the Frontier Futurist, so I'm the CEO of York Exponential, which is a robotics company in York, PA. Founder of the Fortress Academy. I'm also the host of the PBS show AI Unpacking the Black Box, as well as the host of the Frontier Founder Podcast. In addition to that, I'm a musician, so I love to create. I'm a professional photographer, and so in my spare time I spend a lot of time writing music, singing. I also like to dance Anything outdoors and with animals.

Tonya J. Long: 3:33

And you're a Marine and a missionary I am. That we produced a couple of weeks ago For a lot of information about you, but this segment that we've spoken about Is a short segment With you and others about love For Valentine's Day, so I have a few questions that AI helped me craft. We just finished talking about the depths of AI's impact On society and the future. How do you think technology and social media have influenced our capacity to form deep, meaningful connections, and has this changed how we will approach love in the future?

John McElligott: 4:19

So can this be for a positive or how is it done? Negative, or are you just looking for a positive?

Tonya J. Long: 4:24

for a positive? Or how has it done negative? Or are you just looking for a positive? I'm looking for whatever your reaction is to has social media affected how we have deep, meaningful relationships and I think there are positives and negatives and does it change how love evolves in the future as these not just social media, but technology takes a more active hold on how we think and behave?

John McElligott: 4:48

Yeah. So I think there's obviously been some good and things. As stressful as the dating apps are, the reality is it did connect people with similar interests that you maybe never would have seen in real life or never bumped into, so I think that's obviously a positive. The ability to rekindle old flames you hear about that a lot, where people lost touch and then all of a sudden they find each other again 20 years later just because they kept in touch on social media. Now, the flip side of it and this is where AI comes into it, especially during the pandemic, I hate to say it, but the thing like the rise of OnlyFans that has created a large group of men. There's an epidemic of loneliness with men and then unrealistic expectations with memes and on either side on women, on men, you name it and so I think the ability for many men to put aside the reality that this person doesn't necessarily really know me, they don't really like me, but I feel very much like I'm in a relationship as long as I keep giving my credit card number.

John McElligott: 5:47

I think that line what technology has done? It's encroached into an area that should have probably been reserved only for someone you're truly looking to build something with or be in a real relationship, and the danger of what that's done now is so. There's two things For men, primarily, it's opened the door to AI companionship, and the danger of what that's done now is so. There's two things. For men, primarily, it's opened the door to ai companionship in a very, very deep way. Now, how the video generation is next to perfect, producing you'll be able to put on a headset, so you've got all the benefits, the things you want from a relationship without any of the work that actually has to go into cultivated one that means something, because the one on the other side is an algorithm designed just to make you feel that constant dopamine.

John McElligott: 6:27

Now, the flip side of that one of the downsides, I think and this ties back to larger strategy questions but I think you see an unrealistic expectation where women are like I want a guy in finance six, five, blue eyes, and it's like guys are in finance six, five and have blue eyes. It's like 0.00 something percent. So now, all of a sudden, there's this raised expectation no one can meet up to. So you've got that. And then you have things like on social media, where guys should be the lone wolf and just go to the gym and like not care. So I think those are some of the negatives, as long as I think we understand those things. But I definitely think this don't let social media take these and make all these false relationships kind of pop in there. Functioning society needs that and I think that's probably the negative ways.

Tonya J. Long: 7:16

I freaked out a group of executive women probably a month ago. We were talking about AI and the impacts on humanity and I forecasted I said somebody in this audience it was a small group, 15 people and I said somebody in this audience your child will date an AI.

Nick Larson: 7:39

Yeah.

Tonya J. Long: 7:40

And they were like no, no. And I said we are raising risk averse humans. We are raising humans who don't like conflict and don't see how constructive conflict actually bonds people. Instead of so, an AI is the perfect companion because you're always pretty, you always look good in that dress, it will never challenge you for your priorities of how you spend your time, and I said so. We are moving into an era where children will have deeply satisfying relationships with an AI communication device of whatever sort, whether it's humanoid or screen only.

Tonya J. Long: 8:25

And I said if you want to stop that, you won't stop it. But you can mitigate it by staying active with your children, by being not leading the way to children who are device addicted, by forcing the child to put down that phone and come to the dinner table, by forcing the child to put down that phone and come to the dinner table.

Audrey Elliot: 8:44

Yeah.

Tonya J. Long: 8:44

Said these are all family values, mom and apple pie things, but we are managing our small humans into that future yeah. And we can do things with our own prioritization of time that help to change that. But they were freaked out because they'd never considered that these ai partner relationship sites that are coming up could really be very, very mainstream. So I mean heck.

John McElligott: 9:14

They could set it up in a way where it's like, yeah, I'm 15, I connect with an ai that's 15 years old and as I get older, the ai ages and you, you know, experiences the same problems in life.

John McElligott: 9:25

And yeah, and and you know one of the things with love is love supposed to be hard, like it's not supposed to be easy? They're supposed to be heartbreak and there's things that get you to understand something about yourself, and very often you learn that when you're in an intimate relationship, when you're just in an intimate relationship with something that has a digital heart that will never break yours, it's like you know what are the chances we get a whole generation of locked-in 15-year-olds that are 45 years old but have that kind of emotional capacity. Love's not easy, but it's worth it?

Tonya J. Long: 10:01

Yeah, all right. My next question. Love's not easy, but it's worth it. All right, my next question.

John McElligott: 10:16

What do you believe is the most significant misconception about love that you've had to unlearn as you've grown wiser? I mean obviously with the religious background I came from, divorce was seen as a thing that you never get divorced and I think I very often think about it that I made a lot of mistakes and I would not be where.

John McElligott: 10:30

I am that's right had it not been for her. But I wouldn't be where I am now if I was still with her. And so that understanding that sometimes love comes and then it goes, but you can actually end up stronger on the other side, I think it's all how you approach it. It's my whole philosophy in the future of AI. I'm not about what you can get, it's about what you're willing to let go of, and I think that was probably something I was brought up to not understand, and now that I do it, it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

Tonya J. Long: 11:04

It always hurts, but growth most things that help create growth do have levels of discomfort.

John McElligott: 11:12

Yeah, and that was probably the biggest thing I was brought up to believe that love was forever.

Tonya J. Long: 11:16

Yeah, Good one, good answer and the last one, if you could go back and give your younger self some advice about love.

John McElligott: 11:28

What would you say? And why? It's hard? Because I feel like if I went back and I gave myself advice, I may have made different decisions. That would put me in a different place than I am right now. I think probably the one thing, my favorite quote now it's from the book 1984.

John McElligott: 11:47

And the quote is and I'm paraphrasing more than to be loved, he wanted to be understood, and I think that for me I'm very quick to give love and trust, and I learned that from my dad and he was willing to do things for strangers, for the Marine Corps and I think for me it's not the necessarily just the love, but to be understood is a very high form of love. And because I have such a crazy life and a weird upbringing, it's harder for me, I think, to connect on a level where I can connect with them. But the ability to be understood has still kind of eluded me, and so I think for me that's probably how I would define love would be like hey, stop chasing this other thing. This is the thing that actually means love for you. So more to be loved than to be loved is to be understood.

Tonya J. Long: 12:34

You've been doing the work. Yeah, thank you for sharing that with our community. Love is important. It is fundamentally what drives all of us, and we don't talk about it enough. So I'm glad that Valentine's Day gives me an excuse to pull people I value together and get some wisdom and insights, and yours is certainly wonderful, and I thank you for that.

John McElligott: 13:02

Thank you, Tommy.

Tonya J. Long: 13:02

Have a good afternoon.

John McElligott: 13:04

You too, happy Valentine's Day.

Tonya J. Long: 13:06

I am with Morgan Templar. She was recently on the Reset podcast and, as we've spoken about earlier in this show, we're pulling together the best and brightest of my community to talk about love for Valentine's Day. So, morgan, would you take just a minute and introduce yourself to the crowd.

Morgan Templar: 13:26

Absolutely. Thank you for having me Tanya. I'm Morgan Tipler, I am the CEO of First CTO Partners and I have been married for 23 years to my best friend.

Tonya J. Long: 13:39

Love needs no better introduction than that, and actually the first question I had queued up for you was about that marriage, because it's a true partnership. I'm privileged to see you in action with your husband and it's rare to see such a tight knit partnership. How has finding the right partner changed your approach in your personal and professional life?

Morgan Templar: 14:09

It has brought me the ability to trust. It has brought me the ability to learn to be empathetic and communicate better. I mean, there are so many stories I could tell. We could go on for another two hours and tell you all these stories, but having the right partner is. I think it's crucial to bringing your inner self out in feeling confident and on a solid foundation, to be able to interact with others in a very authentic way should be able to interact with others in a very authentic way, beautiful.

Tonya J. Long: 14:46

So, broadening the scope a little of our lens. A lot of our time is spent talking about AI, but it's not just AI, it's the digital construct that everyone, in some way and at some level of speed, is evolving toward. So, with that in mind, what are your thoughts on maintaining human connection in this increasingly digital age?

Morgan Templar: 15:14

It's going to take effort. It's going to take effort to remain in contact with people, Even as we went to a remote workforce and a lot of people really struggled with that and felt like they lost their community and lost their connections. I've always been virtual because I've always traveled and so you know I'm sitting in a coffee shop and we're having a meeting, and that's been my life, for my whole life. So there's no transition for me, but I think for most people if you're I'm not even going to say it yet we must make an effort to maintain connections, to start up a virtual coffee, to just call someone on the phone to meet them around the corner at the coffee shop. It's critical, as humans, that we retain humanity.

Tonya J. Long: 16:08

It's true, and it comes with effort. I appreciate that you noted that it's an investment in ourselves and an investment in the world around us. So thank you. I find that, looking back in my life, the length of my life, the big changes that I recognize in how I think and what I prioritize were typically catalyzed by an event I might not have recognized it at the time, but looking back, I think that wisdom sinks in.

Tonya J. Long: 16:41

Have you had any moments of catalyst in your life that were predicated on love, that gave you a cause for personal transformation?

Morgan Templar: 16:58

So, yes, I have. It's quite personal, but I'll give you just the very highest level of it. My husband was disabled one year into our marriage.

Tonya J. Long: 17:07

Yeah.

Morgan Templar: 17:08

And the need to care for him in even the most basic ways yes, washing him in, him get dressed and helping him learn to eat.

Audrey Elliot: 17:18

Yeah.

Morgan Templar: 17:20

Discovering he was falling down the stairs every day, and so we sold our house and moved to a different house.

Morgan Templar: 17:26

Those things really helped me realize that I have the love and the empathy for other people, that I'm willing to do the caregiver role when needed, and I think that catalyst. You know, really it was unexpected, it was life changing, it was life altering, but because I loved him so much and he loved me, there was no anger about the fact that he couldn't eat and no frustration about the fact that we have to change our life for this, because it's not like he chose it and he didn't do something to me on purpose, it just happened. But I loved him so much and he loved me so much that we just got through it. And he didn't do something to me on purpose, it just happened. But I loved him so much and he loved me so much that we just got through it. And we still do. When we have troubles or issues or I'm disappointed or he's disappointed, we just have a conversation. Why have a fight about it? You just have to make all the words come out anyway.

Tonya J. Long: 18:20

I love it. I don't believe you said it. But for those who didn't see the podcast, I love it. I don't believe you said it. But for those who didn't see the podcast the full podcast that Morgan and I did that was 22 years ago. Because you've been together 23 years. The nice thing is he has come through the majority of what the two of you experienced.

Tonya J. Long: 18:46

I hear so many people I don't have a different word fall victim to the crises that inevitably happen in all of our lives at some point. I look back on all of my personal crises and they all made me better, stronger, wiser, and they opened my heart more, and so that's what I see in you and Steve. I never would have attributed it back to the events with his brain tumor. Now I think you know that was the opportunity for you to grow in love and it has anchored so much of the last 23 years of your marriage. So that's beautiful, thank you. So the last question is what would you go back and tell your 20-year-old Morgan self about love if you had a chance to travel back in time and help her understand the journey of love? Be?

Morgan Templar: 19:37

kind to her would tell her exactly what was told to me when I was about 30 by someone for my future self Actually, me is my future self. This is what your life will look like if you just get there, believe and keep walking believe and keep walking.

Tonya J. Long: 20:13

I think that is that's universal guidance for all of us to believe and keep walking, and to walk in love is absolutely the best that we could hope for for society. So wonderful answer and thank you for sharing it. This was Morgan Templar on love on Valentine's Day. So happy Valentine's Day, morgan, happy Valentine's Day Tommy. Hello everyone, and on this segment for our Valentine's Day special, we are bringing in the author of Engineered to Love. Justin Wink wrote the book on love. How about that, justin? That's a tall order to think that you wrote the book on love, but you did, and for a very interesting vertical here with the founders that you work with in Silicon Valley. So tell us just a little about you before we get started.

Justin Wenck: 21:10

Yeah, thanks, tanya, good to be chatting with you on a podcast here again. I don't know if I'd say I wrote the book on love. It's a book on love or of love. And yeah, I do coaching. I'm also an author, podcaster myself, and a little bit of an adventurer. I like to travel as well and just getting to connect more deeply with myself and others, and I experience love in all of its many forms in this world. I also have a background in electrical engineering, which is why I like working with tech founders as well.

Tonya J. Long: 21:38

Beautiful, so you are perfect for our show today. I'm so excited that you could make time. I have a few questions for you. The first one plays right into what you talked about. How do you think technology and social media have influenced our capacity to form deep, meaningful relationships, and has this changed how you approach love? Has this changed?

Justin Wenck: 22:03

how you approach love. Well, I think, in many ways, a lot of people like to blame technology for a lot of things that maybe aren't going the way they would like them to go.

Justin Wenck: 22:14

Yet from my experience, I believe technology has merely just been an accelerator of the human condition, and I first learned this when I was a young adult, went back to where both of my parents are from which is rural Iowa, on the farmland, and was with an aunt and my dad and immediately her son I guess he would have been my cousin comes in and the aunt goes like I heard you were with so-and-so and you did this and that, and I can't believe you did that and um, and it's like how did she know all of this? The telephone this was not Facebook, this was not Instagram, this was not Twitter or X. And it just struck me that humans have been a certain way since we've been humans. It's so much easier to communicate, whether it's good or bad, because of technology, and so it amplifies, accelerates whatever it is good or bad because of technology, and so it amplifies, accelerates whatever it is good or bad. And so if you're not liking how technology is making your life, it's just amplifying what's coming from within.

Justin Wenck: 23:16

My feed on all these things now is incredibly boring, because I curate my thoughts and I curate my emotions, or I'm in touch with my emotions, then I curate my actions and what I choose. Touch with my emotions, then I curate my actions and what I choose to consume based on that. So now my feeds are incredibly boring and I long and I like to use technology to find ways to connect with people in person instead of using, doing dating apps or other things. As much so it's like I use social media and these other tools, yet I use them to serve me. I'm not at the mercy of them, if that makes sense, beautiful.

Tonya J. Long: 23:50

Yeah, agreed, love it. So one of the things that struck me in reading your book is that you have a marvelous grasp on self-love. So how has self-love played a role in your ability to love others? How has this relationship with yourself evolved over time?

Justin Wenck: 24:19

It's one of those that there's a lot of times that these cliches of these simple bumper sticker type things the reason that they get said so often and are around so much is because they're true. But I've really found you can only love others as much as you can love yourself, and also as someone who takes 100% responsibility for everything that I experience in my life so good, bad, indifferent. I experienced in my life so good, bad, indifferent. It's when something that I'm not seeing outside that I'm like this is annoying me or this is frustrating me. What aspect of myself is that? And how can I bring some love and some caring?

Justin Wenck: 24:56

Because love doesn't necessarily mean that we just let whatever comes into our view, that we quote, unquote love.

Justin Wenck: 25:04

We still get to have boundaries and we still get to have agency with other people and also ourselves, and it's like learning that with myself has allowed me to start to appreciate that and understand that and work with that with other people, and more and more I don't get upset at people. I love them, I appreciate them and often we'll go all right, that's enough of that person. I don't necessarily need to spend time and I also don't need to change them because, like loving is unconditional. It really is. It's just like, how do I like this person as they are and in what capacity do we want to interact? And that's really all there is. I don't need to change anybody. The only person I need to change and even that I don't need to change, but I get to change is myself, and that's because it's fun and enjoyable and part of the adventure of being alive and part of loving myself is getting to see whoa, what else can I do? How else can I shift?

Tonya J. Long: 25:56

Love it Good, good. So, switching gears a little, how do you think the experience of loss or grief because you wrote about that in your book as well you've been through your own seasons, so how has the experience of loss or grief deepened or changed your capacity for love?

Justin Wenck: 26:19

It's been in some ways a brutal yet necessary teacher, and my hope is it doesn't have to be as brutal for most people. I think, because really like, loss is part of love, and I feel like in our current society we often are trying to hold on and just continue building and building, yet when we don't let go of anything, we're not able to clear to allow for a new, stronger foundation. It's like we might have been building on sand at the beach and it's inevitably going to collapse.

Justin Wenck: 26:49

Yet I feel like if we have a healthier relationship with loss, with grief, with transition, the healthier that is, then the easier it is to bring in the new. That is, more aligned and more joyful, and just see it as part of the process. It's definitely improved my ability to love myself, to love others, to bring in even more joy, because it's there. Now that I have experienced loss in multiple ways through losing my mother, being divorced, and my career, I don't have that hanging over my head of oh what if I lose that. So it's allowing me to just really appreciate what is as it is and being open to things shifting more and more, and so I would say with to people that have faced loss that it does get better and your life can be even more amazing, and it's definitely way better to do it with other people.

Justin Wenck: 27:49

Definitely find help, get help from whatever form, because I think it's like we all have to go through certain things. Yet how we go through it, we have so much choice in that of who we go through it with and what way. How challenging. It doesn't necessarily have to be as challenging as it seems, but it's worth it. It's worth it.

Tonya J. Long: 28:07

Good. Thank you for that. Anyone who follows you on social media sees you outdoors a lot hiking, swinging through trees in Costa Rica, doing amazing things. A lot of you is very plugged into nature, so how has your relationship with nature evolved into a form of love, or what are the ways that nature impacts your daily walk?

Justin Wenck: 28:37

I haven't always been. It's been a process to get more in touch with nature, but it's been so nourishing and so healing because it's one of those like nature's. We're part of nature. Our bodies are made up of stuff from the earth just stop and think about that but it's like all of our physical form was at some point something of the earth. We are literally of the earth. You don't have to go to costa rica to get nature, although it is definitely enjoyable, but, yeah, to get moments of peace and I don't know, just get snapped out of my habitual thoughts. Nature's become like a really good teacher and a place of peace for me that I do my best to get as much of and see even why I moved where I can just be right next to the ocean so that basically, even if I'm inside, nature can still tap me on the shoulder with a view of dolphins or maybe a wave splashes and shakes my place.

Tonya J. Long: 29:31

Those were intentional choices you made to be near nature. I think yeah, so we'll move in then to our last question. Oh, I can't wait, building on choices, and no doubt you make choices differently now than you did when you were a young adult. So the question is what would you today go back and tell 20-year-old Justin about love?

Justin Wenck: 30:11

I would go back and really tell him to look into ways to discover or learn what it is to love himself first and take care of himself first, Because 20-year-old Justin was the broken paradigm of I will do for others and then they will somehow do for me. I'd tell him that's not how it works. It all comes from within. That what's going on outside is just a reflection of what's going on inside. And I'd tell him that I love him and that you are lovable and that as soon as you let go of trying to please others and worry about others, I'm going to do the same for me, and so that then we can come together in more of a collaborative environment instead of a transactional, obligatory reason of interacting. So I'd say, get out of the fear, the obligation, the guilt which I write about, and start learning and getting into the joy, ease and love that is available to all of us. So I think that's what I would tell myself.

Tonya J. Long: 31:02

Perfect and thank you. Thank you for being with us here. Happy Valentine's Day. I'm excited that we spent some time together on this topic. I think people need to speak more about love and all the different ways that love manifests, and what you've provided today for Insights is super valuable, so thank you.

Justin Wenck: 31:22

You're welcome, Tanya. What are your thoughts on love?

Tonya J. Long: 31:26

Oh, that's a really broad question.

Justin Wenck: 31:28

Yeah, you can use any of your questions. Or what's been your experience or where are you at in your journey of love with self or with others?

Tonya J. Long: 31:41

Gosh, the word that won't leave my head is detachment, yeah, detachment from expectations, detachment from outcomes, detachment from need, actually, and just being in the moment with every person I'm with to create a loving environment. Letting go of those definitions like you mentioned, because they don't serve me anymore with where I am and so not chasing after the world's definition of love. I saw a beautiful Jay Shetty podcast moment. He was interviewing Drew Barrymore, who has had some famous ups and downs in her romantic love life yeah she was reflecting how she couldn't find a good romantic partner in a very mature way.

Tonya J. Long: 32:36

She was just saying how difficult it had been to connect with someone to have that kind of loving relationship. And jay had a beautiful thing to say about we've created this pyramid of love and romantic relationships are the the piece de la resistance of. You've arrived at love when you're in a romantic, loving relationship and that's garbage. And then he pointed it out to Drew that she I think she has two daughters and you have maternal love and you are surrounded by friends and community. And he pointed it out all the ways he recognized that she is cocooned in love from multiple directions and not to let the world define that need that she had for a romantic relationship. And that really resonated for me and I think was part of my journey of detachment, of being really happy with the communities that I have and the people that surround me and support me. So I'm pretty happy on that front as it relates to love.

Justin Wenck: 33:43

Yeah, I that's beautiful and I think, um, it's a little bit of that package deal yes of love and what's all required of a romantic relationship, because honestly it's.

Justin Wenck: 33:57

I like to differentiate between, um, what is what is Lovership? And partnership. But a lot of the quote unquote partnership stuff can basically be outsourced to friends, to family, to other people. But lovership is that just like that spark, that juice. But that can just happen in like an instance of a passing grace and a meeting of eyes, and maybe you never even talk to the person of eyes and maybe you never even talk to the person, and so it's like when you decouple all that, oh, but I need to have all this other stuff, then it's, then you're gonna, of course, you're gonna miss all these opportunities for the, the lovership which is that spark, just that, whatever that is almost you can't even put to words, but it's just.

Justin Wenck: 34:38

It reminds you like, oh, I'm alive and oh, there's desire and there is want, and it doesn't have to be attached to all that other stuff either no, and and there's something to, I'll just say, male and female energy and I don't want this to come out the wrong way, but that male female energy is more important to me than romantic relationships at this juncture in my life.

Tonya J. Long: 35:04

I was reflecting to someone the other day and this is the part that I hope doesn't come across poorly I'm surrounded by men. I'm surrounded by men who love me. I airstream, and I have a group of eight husbands that are friends of mine. They're husbands of other airstream friends of mine and I get all that male energy when we travel together, because I do both sides.

Tonya J. Long: 35:27

As a solo traveler, I've got the mechanical hauling stuff, driving a big rig kind of thing going on. And then I interact with the women to do the more traditionally female tasks like family meals and that kind of thing when we're together. But I get so much male energy that I enjoy You're a good friend that I get great male energy from when we network at events together. My needs are met because I guess in Jay Shetty's pyramid the middle of my pyramid is so full of the offsetting energy because I've got plenty of male energy in how.

Tonya J. Long: 36:07

I interact but that receiving of interaction, engagement and collaboration, partnership. For me, the things that are important right now, more important than what packages up with romantic love and so. I'm very satisfied with where my life is.

Justin Wenck: 36:27

And that's what the most important thing is. Are you satisfied? Because we have seasons of life too. 100%. Sometimes you're just meant to just be on your own, or maybe you're just meant to just have friends, or maybe you're meant to be just over the moon in a romantic whatever. There's a time and a place for all of it. Maybe you're meant to be just over the moon in a romantic whatever.

Maxwell Stern: 36:45

There's a time and a place for all of it.

Justin Wenck: 36:47

I've definitely been hibernating a lot this winter compared to previous and I feel like it's going to bring a good harvest come summer and fall of 2025.

Tonya J. Long: 37:04

Just being loving of myself and going like this is probably just what was best for me at this time. Yeah, those things will wait.

Justin Wenck: 37:08

You've been productive during your hibernation. Yeah, I've been trying to give myself credit that sometimes me not doing much, I still do more than a lot of people. I used to compare myself to such amazing people, but I don't think that's always helpful. It's good to get inspiration without comparison.

Tonya J. Long: 37:21

Role models are important. They give us a place to reach toward in terms of impact, but it stops there.

Justin Wenck: 37:30

Yeah, yeah.

Tonya J. Long: 37:31

Yeah.

Justin Wenck: 37:32

We're meant to be us, not anybody else 100%, but I will borrow.

Tonya J. Long: 37:38

The case method is my favorite Copy and steal everything so I will borrow from what I like. Oh, yeah, because it's such great ideas for how to do more that you enjoy, but it's very much choice. Choose what fits for what you want to believe and achieve.

Justin Wenck: 37:52

Yeah, I think we are engineered to love everything in our life. Yet we are not an engineering project, we are an art project. Our life is art. The human vessel is engineered to love, but what we do with life is art. The human vessel is engineered to love, but what we do with it is art, and so it really is just about for the experience, for the beauty, for the sake of creating. Yeah, so that which is art is not linear, it is not structured, it is a mess at times. So if your life is a mess at times, you're doing it right. Yeah.

Tonya J. Long: 38:23

Yeah, beautiful. I think that's a great place to wrap this and say thank you and happy Valentine's Day.

Justin Wenck: 38:31

Thank you. Happy Valentine's Day to you, tanya, and to all the listeners. Yeah, thank you.

Tonya J. Long: 38:37

We're here with our next guest. I am super excited for our Valentine's Day show to introduce Jacqueline Dilworth. Jackie and I have known each other really a short time but have had some really deep conversations. She was my first full-length podcast. I feel like I know Jackie pretty well. Jackie, tell us what you're working on.

Jacqueline Dilworth: 38:59

Right now I'm just in the studio here at Powercat Radio just doing the thing and finishing up a class.

Tonya J. Long: 39:04

That's what I'm working on right now there it is Because education is a core component of who you are. In fact, on our podcast we talked about you having lots of amazing resets in your life, all the transitions you've made. How have those resets informed your understanding of love and partnership?

Jacqueline Dilworth: 39:27

I think of one thing. I think that love is work. You have to work at it. It isn't a thing that you work hard at, but you have to work mindfully at and you have to keep on doing the things that you say you do. And you have to have open and honest communication with your partner and just be very open, because otherwise what are you doing? You're hiding things, You're being secretive. Don't do that. Just be open and honest and somehow it all works from there.

Tonya J. Long: 39:55

It does, it does. Thank you, we realize there's so many different forms of love.

Audrey Elliot: 40:01

Yes.

Tonya J. Long: 40:02

What do you wish more people understood about love in general, across all of its permutations?

Jacqueline Dilworth: 40:10

That love is what you make it. You can love your friends very deeply and you can love your animals. You can love your partner or partners or whatever. I go back to the fact that Greek has five words for love, whereas English only has a couple, and it's a word that's really doing a lot of work, and it's important to understand that the love that you have, say, for a friend or a coworker or your best friend maybe, should be different than what you have for your partner or your dog or your cat or your kids. It's all similar emotions, it's all the same thing, but it's very different, and no matter what anyone says that what you're doing is wrong or right or anything, you just need to make sure that you are doing it and just love Beautiful beautiful.

Tonya J. Long: 40:57

One of the things that struck me about you when we did our podcast together was how many different communities you've been involved with. As an adult, I'm similar to you, involved in a lot of communities, and we experience love and belonging as parts as important, intrinsic parts of gathering and binding those teams together. So what role has community love played in the journey that you've had?

Jacqueline Dilworth: 41:25

What role has community love played in the journey that you've had? A love of the community and your people and belonging is something that all humans want as much as some people want to say, oh, I want to be alone, or you're not a people person, or whatever. It's just that you haven't found your people. You haven't found your community and the people you want to be around, and so you need to find them. It's the thing from Timothy Leary find your people, find the others, find the people that get you and understand you, and that's your mission. I love it.

Tonya J. Long: 41:53

I used to have a hashtag I'd use. I think it was something like find your tribe, love them hard. But we have to find our tribes and sometimes we'll have more tribes in a lifetime than I think we expect, but it's valuable to have our tribes and sometimes we'll have more tribes in a lifetime than I think we expect, but it's valuable to have those tribes. Looking outward at the future because we've had conversations about what the world looks like as we evolve what changes do you hope to see in how society understands and celebrates diverse expressions of love?

Jacqueline Dilworth: 42:23

I hope that people really start to realize and understand that love and personal love and that kind of thing that people have it's something that everyone experiences and that people should be allowed to do it, however they do it, as long as it's not hurting someone or is a negative thing. If it's either of those, then it needs to be questioned and stopped. But otherwise, love the person you're with, or people or whatever. Just be mindful and do no harm. There it is, do no harm.

Tonya J. Long: 42:53

Perfect. So last question for you. I think we change and grow in our wisdom as we age, and if you could go back and give 20-year-old Jackie advice about love and the journey, what would you tell her?

Jacqueline Dilworth: 43:12

If I could go back to 20-year-old Jackie, I would tell her follow your instincts and remember that you're more right than you're wrong and you're not a bad person. Just keep on doing what you need to be doing wrong and you're not the bad person.

Tonya J. Long: 43:26

Just keep on doing what you need to be doing. Oh, I get cold chills. That's perfect, and it's a perfect way to close out this session with Jacqueline Dilworth, my radio mentor and a role model that I look to as having strength and resilience, and I'm so happy to know you, jackie, I'm so happy to share your story, not just the podcast that we did, which was fascinating, but your thoughts on love here on Valentine's Day. So Valentine's Day, jackie.

Jacqueline Dilworth: 43:52

Happy Valentine's Day people.

Tonya J. Long: 43:54

Hello everyone, and on this segment of our very special Valentine's Day show we have quite the duo, you might. Russ elliott, a former work colleague of mine, and actually he's still a work colleague of mine because we put our heads together as often as we can and he's always helpful. He was one of our initial shows. And russ is here today and because I'm friends with his wife, audrey, I said bring her along. So russ and audrey are amazing. I've had dinner at their homes not enough times. It could never be enough. Both Audrey and Russ. They've been married 47 years. I think that's absolutely remarkable. I think everyone would agree that kind of longevity in a marriage is something to be celebrated. So it's wonderful to have both of you on today. Thank you for doing this.

Russ Elliot: 44:44

Thanks for having us.

Tonya J. Long: 44:45

So wonderful we're going to talk about love. I mentioned that you guys have been married the longest of anybody that we're profiling, so what's the key to that long loving partnership?

Audrey Elliot: 44:58

I think that a lot of what happens with us is just small everyday stuff that we're. You work through and you enjoy and do a lot of things together, things apart, mm-hmm, and you maintain that balance.

Tonya J. Long: 45:22

You enjoy each other. It's clear when you're together that you enjoy each other. Russ, what were you going to say?

Russ Elliot: 45:28

Oh, she cooks fabulous.

Tonya J. Long: 45:31

Say it as much anymore, but it used to be that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. That's true Now, that doesn't.

Russ Elliot: 45:38

They're worth both ways Pineapple or egg rolls.

Audrey Elliot: 45:42

That's right, that was our first meal was. Russ said I have this great thing, this dessert that you're going to love. This is when we first met and he said it's ice cream, and I put pineapple on it. Oh, he was fancy Russ.

Tonya J. Long: 46:01

You went all out on that so great job Pineapple. I've never had pineapple on ice cream. I might have to think about that oh you'll have to try it.

Tonya J. Long: 46:09

Yeah, I think I might Good. I love it, I love it. Yeah, I think that might Good. I love it, I love it. You've been married 47 years. You're not spring chickens anymore and our bodies and our minds and our stamina all those things change as we age. So how do you think the physical and emotional aspects of love have changed as you've aged and your friends have aged?

Russ Elliot: 46:31

We try to stay healthy physically.

Tonya J. Long: 46:33

You do.

Russ Elliot: 46:34

Stay out of the doctor's office and if something gets us down, we just try and work our way through it.

Tonya J. Long: 46:43

Yeah, you've had a lot of practice with that, unfortunately, but you have both remarkably stayed up.

Audrey Elliot: 46:51

Yeah, because we do it together.

Tonya J. Long: 46:54

That's part of it. I love it. You're one of the couples right now that I'm friends with the couple and often my calls are three-way calls because the other spouse is on speaker. I love the mix and the element of community and I love that. Your partnership is such that, russ, you started bringing Audrey to some of our work dinners when I'd be in town in Boston eight years ago or so and it was a tremendous show of the partnership and comfort that you had with each other. So those were fun. I mentioned Boston. Of course that was a former work engagement we had, but it was a community, was a community, and that makes me think that your relationship with your community has shaped your understanding of love and belonging. You're a part of several, three or four pretty important to you communities, so how has that relationship with your community shaped how you look at love and belonging Go?

Russ Elliot: 47:52

ahead dear.

Audrey Elliot: 47:53

I think that when you have a passion for something, it's nice to share with other people that have like-minded things that they like to do, and you develop on that.

Russ Elliot: 48:08

And Audrey's been a good sport about getting dragged into things.

Audrey Elliot: 48:12

Oh yeah, I get dragged into a lot.

Tonya J. Long: 48:14

Oh, but she wins Russ. She won four of those. I can't say it hat chappies, I just massacred a race name. She won her age division in four of them.

Russ Elliot: 48:25

You did.

Tonya J. Long: 48:25

I did so. She's not just tagging along, she's done remarkably well.

Russ Elliot: 48:31

You've been in an all-time studio. Yeah, on the bike course.

Tonya J. Long: 48:35

Yeah, it is. It's wonderful. Tell me how to say that name that I always mess up Cappy Hinn. H-e-n, h-i-n.

Audrey Elliot: 48:45

H-I-N, c-a-p-p-y.

Tonya J. Long: 48:46

I do recall, it's a famous racer, it's a famous bicyclist.

Audrey Elliot: 48:50

George Cappy.

Tonya J. Long: 48:53

See, racer, it's a famous bicyclist, george, george and cappy, right. Yeah, see, see, I know some things. I just can't say them if I'm not looking at all. Right, so this is for either of you. But if you could go back in time many decades and talk to your 20 year old self, what advice would you give at this point in your life about love?

Russ Elliot: 49:13

Oh, it's. Pay attention when somebody's trying to get you introduced.

Tonya J. Long: 49:18

Oh, oh, tell me, what do you mean? Get you introduced.

Russ Elliot: 49:23

So Audrey and I were introduced a couple of years before we met, I know that sounds strange, but we had a lot of common friends. Common friends introduced us, and neither of us remember the introduction.

Tonya J. Long: 49:36

Oh, that's funny, that is clever.

Russ Elliot: 49:40

We probably didn't get back then, as we were a couple of years later.

Audrey Elliot: 49:44

Different mindsets at the time.

Russ Elliot: 49:46

I think yeah, so 20-year-old children it was still a common friend because Gary's the guy who introduced us.

Audrey Elliot: 49:54

Yeah.

Russ Elliot: 49:55

And we ignored each other. And it was Gary's television that was in the house when we met.

Tonya J. Long: 50:01

I love it. I love it so pay attention, 20-year-olds, to where you are, who you're meeting. Be aware, put the coffee down for a minute and pay attention to people. I love it. What about you, audrey? Do you have anything different than paying attention to who you meet at meetups?

Audrey Elliot: 50:20

I think it's important to just find a person that makes you feel like you're at home.

Tonya J. Long: 50:28

The word home means so much to me, and I love that you find someone who makes you feel home.

Tonya J. Long: 50:36

Well and love has many forms, as we know, but the two of you make me feel home. I'd love to be sitting at your dining room table, but we're on opposite coasts and just spending time with you on the phone a lot on Zoom, but it makes me feel home. So thank you for that. Happy Valentine's Day to each of you. Thank you, happy Valentine's Day. Much love on your next 47 years. Oh, thank you. As we continue on our festival of love for Valentine's Day, I'm bringing to you next someone I love deeply. It's my good friend, nick Larson. Nick is King Zombie, if that doesn't resonate for you.

Tonya J. Long: 51:20

He runs a community steeped in love called the Silicon Zombies. So, nick, tell us a little bit about who you are.

Nick Larson: 51:29

Thank you, Tanya, for the kind words and the introduction, and the feeling is mutual. I grew up in the Bay Area serial founder, with a bunch of misses and a couple wins. I love technology and innovation and community and music and humans and we get to throw these really cool parties and we started recording them a little over four years ago. Hat tip to Sean Flynn who got me started in the content creation space.

Tonya J. Long: 51:54

I did not know that he brought you that.

Nick Larson: 51:57

Yeah, we started on Clubhouse ages ago and through this Scalable Ventures Club and almost five years later, here we are. We're in over 70 countries, we have over 200,000 views a month and top 5% of Spotify, and we throw these great parties with marvelous humans like yourself. So thank you for having me.

Tonya J. Long: 52:17

It is a loving community. Every time I go, I meet new people and they all talk about how included they feel, about how they fit in how they don't feel intimidated by the environment, and I think that's a product of the love that people feel in that room for each other, and everyone else just folds into that. So it really is a beautiful place to be.

Russ Elliot: 52:42

We're just getting started.

Tonya J. Long: 52:43

I will have to thank Sean Flynn, who's also a friend of mine, for getting you started on that journey.

Russ Elliot: 52:50

Yeah.

Tonya J. Long: 52:50

So, as we move into our Valentine's Day episode, talking about love with some of my favorite people and podcast guests, you're not old yet. You'll get there one day, but as you mature you've been married a while and you're not the 20 year old you once were I think you've probably learned about love. You're growing in that. So what do you believe are the most significant misconceptions about love that you've had to unlearn as you've grown older?

Nick Larson: 53:22

Yeah, that's a great question. I feel like we could spend hours on this.

Tonya J. Long: 53:26

We can spend whenever you want.

Nick Larson: 53:28

So probably that when I was younger I just thought that love was a feeling, but maybe better stated love is what you would do for somebody. I guess that would be like the manifestation of it, and rather than chasing something that you're not going to accomplish, or basically, if you're chasing somebody in this, I guess it's not just romantically, but you want them to maybe look back, and if they look back then you're onto something. But just make sure that it's bi-directional and that it's there. There's a good foundation there, I would say you can tell people's intentions pretty quickly.

Tonya J. Long: 54:10

I would say, yeah, yeah, good lessons that you're learning and always will be, as far as I can tell at this point. So for all of us as a general thing. So thank you. I think that we demonstrated a couple of minutes ago how much we both deeply love your zombies community, and that would be considered by some to be work, work with an underlay of purpose. So in what ways has your relationship with your community or your chosen family either shaped your understanding of collective love and belonging?

Nick Larson: 54:48

how is the work with the community shaped? My understanding.

Tonya J. Long: 54:53

Of collective love and belonging, which I think is a hallmark of the Silicon Zombies group.

Nick Larson: 54:59

Oh, maybe, just like the unintended impacts. I'll tell you a short story. I have a friend named Alex. This is back in high school I think it was like a freshman or something and I rode my bicycle over to his place. He was pretty close by and he came out with a cold root beer, and I love root beer.

Nick Larson: 55:23

I didn't know, that, yeah, and it was such a small token, yeah, but that was like over 20 years ago. I just had my 20-year high school reunion. So if you can do something like small and meaningful, like a little token of gratitude, I guess knowing your audience because there's different flavors of how people receive or the different languages, right so I guess that would be like a gift of appreciation, like a gift. It feels like the intention or the value behind it is more valuable. It feels like the intention or the value behind it is more valuable. So, doing those small things that can have an impact on people in unintended ways and you can lift them up, and then, when you lift other people up, they're going to be on a better, more positive trajectory, and then they can lift others up too, and that's the whole point.

Tonya J. Long: 56:08

You started to go somewhere, so I'm going to ask this question. You talked about languages of love. You almost touched on that the giving of gifts. It's Gary Chapman's very famous book on love languages. A very important concept that a lot of people miss the first time is that it's not about you enjoying how you give. It's about knowing what your recipient wants. It's understanding their love language and how to make them feel loved. My mother showered me with gifts just little trinkets, and I didn't appreciate them. When she was here, it was her love language, not mine. I'm an acts of service girl. I'm an acts of service girl, so you may not be familiar with Chapman's work, but you're already speaking about understanding your audience and their needs. When you look across your community, they're so broad and diverse and ages, origins, work, focus. What do you think is a common language of love that you've seen in the community that you work most closely with?

Nick Larson: 57:16

quality time. Hey, I very good, so you have done the work.

Nick Larson: 57:20

Yeah, quality time is an important getting pulled in so many different directions. Yeah, and there's notifications and emails and advertisements and baloney when you truly are with somebody and you're giving them 100% of your focus and that's just so valuable, it's true. Um, I was taking a walk downtown san francisco with a friend, like almost a decade ago, and she told me, when you're talking to somebody, think of a horse with the blinders. Right, it's so easy to, and this is probably like the ego or the hubris of that. Oh, I have a similar story, like because you want to make a good impression, you want to impress, but in reality, just like just being there and truly listening and putting on those blinders and not letting any distractions hit you, that can make somebody truly feel appreciated.

Nick Larson: 58:15

And then, like we were talking a moment ago, if we like the how, this is an interesting practical application but like repeating the last couple words of when somebody's speaking, that can make them feel really appreciated and understood, and isn't that a beautiful thing?

Tonya J. Long: 58:31

It is, and I think it's common sense, but we need to be intentional about what we know in practice, and so that's really good guidance. You do that really well. Something else you do really well. It's not a love language, but it's a mix of quality of time and acts of service. You, for me, you are super responsive. If I call you, you answer. You've walked away from tables where you're having brunch with people to take my call, and I'm aware of that.

Nick Larson: 59:02

Well, that and and it makes me not. Everybody gets that treatment and that's actually the point.

Tonya J. Long: 59:08

I know how busy we both are, but the fact that you prioritize me, I I don't call you all the time. You couldn't afford to leave every lunch table that you're at, but when I call you, you pick up and I know that you do that for me. It's not, it cannot be your general practice.

Nick Larson: 59:26

But that's something you do. You've got the bat line.

Tonya J. Long: 59:28

It's the bat line and because I know that's something you value too, like the other night when you called me before that event, when you were on the way, I was standing with a group of people and I said the bat line came through and I had to step back.

Tonya J. Long: 59:41

That's what people do for each other, and they recognize what each other's priorities are and they try to reciprocate that. You were one of the few people, I would have stepped away from that little circle, but I think it's finding what your audience responds to, what makes them feel important, what makes them know that you've got their back.

Nick Larson: 1:00:03

Obviously, we have a very, very deep friendship and connection, but you've also killed me out of trouble before, like I remember, right before going up on the stage with Dan Lurie, I needed to start the talk off in a thoughtful way and I was gonna say something to the effect of you don't really have any experience in politics. What makes you think, yeah, and then you're like perhaps you could soften that. And then you provided me a like, a much more strategic, lovely, and that you know what. That opened up the whole conversation. It set the tone, and that was because you pulled me aside and said take a deep breath, what if you tried this and then ended up having like the biggest impact? So that one of one of many examples where Tanya saved the day.

Tonya J. Long: 1:00:49

Well, I think we have each other's backs period.

Nick Larson: 1:00:52

Oh yeah.

Tonya J. Long: 1:00:53

Wonderful the day. Well, I think we have each other's backs period. Oh yeah, wonderful. So the thing that I'm asking everyone consistently you've already talked about how you've grown and how you understand love, how you serve others with love. But if you could go back and tell 20-year-old Nick some important advice about love, what would you tell 20-year-old Nick? Some important advice about love.

Nick Larson: 1:01:15

What would you tell 20-year-old Nick Spend more time with your parents, even though I feel like I do that quite a bit.

Tonya J. Long: 1:01:24

Yeah, you are good for that.

Nick Larson: 1:01:26

And when we're younger and we feel like we've got all the time in the world, we'll spend it with whoever, and regardless of whether they're feeding us emotionally or because we think we've got all the time, who cares? But in reality, the people make the place, and so if you're spending time with folks that you're aligned with and you really do appreciate and it's like a bi-directional support thing, I think that's probably one of the reasons people get happier as they get older, because they're more thoughtful and conscious about how we spend our time.

Tonya J. Long: 1:02:00

It's true. It's true For me experiencing that because I'm a little older than you are, I have fewer friends now. I have a world of contacts, but I have fewer true friends who step away from a brunch to pick up the phone. Because I have fewer.

Tonya J. Long: 1:02:18

They're deeper and truer and I do think that leads to more just self-satisfaction with where your life is, because you deeply know people on a real true, on a level of truth. But when you're in your twenties it's just every weekend's a different crowd. But that does shift. As you age. You become much more intentional about how and where you spend your time. I love it Wonderful. Do you want to say anything else about love?

Nick Larson: 1:02:46

I love you. Thank you, tanya, for everything that you do for me, for Sandra, for our community just like really grateful for you. As a human being, I've never met anybody truly like you, so I'm just grateful for everything that you do.

Tonya J. Long: 1:02:58

Don't make me cry on my own podcast. That was very kind and you know that feeling is mutual, so a little early, but happy Valentine's Day.

Nick Larson: 1:03:08

And to you.

Tonya J. Long: 1:03:08

And to you Everyone. I am so excited as we continue on our journey with our Valentine's Day extravaganza of love at the Reset Podcast, I'm bringing to you the youngest member of today's cohort of speakers, my friend Maxwell Stern. I met Maxwell May June at a tech networking event 500 creative type A technological people. I spent an hour talking with Maxwell that very first day and have just been in love with him ever since. He's one of my favorite people. I'm thrilled to have him here. Maxwell, how about if you tell us a little about what you are doing? You had just returned, by the way, from a year abroad studying at the London School of Economics. Impressive, You've got a broad perspective on a lot of things. Tell us what you're working on.

Maxwell Stern: 1:03:58

Yes, thank you, tanya. I appreciate the opportunity to be here on Reset. I was born and raised in the Bay Area. I studied political economics at Berkeley. After returning from London, I spent the summer working on a campaign in San Francisco and then decided to take the fall semester off to work on the Harris presidential campaign in the eastern suburbs of Pittsburgh, pennsylvania. After that, I chose not to return to school and I am here in Washington DC pursuing a tech policy fellowship exploring the intersection of tech, entrepreneurship and public policy.

Tonya J. Long: 1:04:38

Yummy stuff. Now you said you chose not to return to school, but you are going back to school, right I? Can't let anyone in this audience think that you're just going to pause on your academics and not go back because you are doing amazing things. I think it will be hard for you to go back to school because of the level of engagement that you are having with society, with government, with decisions that make impact, and so you've got to go back to school. But that's why I I had to circle back.

Tonya J. Long: 1:05:07

My parents agree, my parents yeah, good, good they need any help. Tell them to call aunt Tongue. Yes, so good, Now I meant yeah, beautiful, I mentioned earlier you were no surprise my youngest participant in this cohort of speakers, your generation's high device driven At least that's my perspective. So, when it comes to love, we're in an era of dating apps and social media connections. How do you and your peers navigate authentic connection and meaningful relationships? What kinds of challenges are you working through?

Maxwell Stern: 1:05:45

Yes, good question, tanya. I would say many of my friends started dating online before they started dating in person. I got my first phone when I was in middle school and many of my friends started dating profiles online when they were still in middle school and starting high school. But I find now, tonya, many of my friends and many of my peers in my cohort are disillusioned with dating apps. They find the curated profiles and the gamified experience on dating apps is not only unyielding they are not finding matches but also exacerbates a lot of trends that we see among young people Loneliness, for instance, and an inability to connect.

Maxwell Stern: 1:06:37

What I have found recently is an increasing desire for in-person, authentic relationships. To take one antidote, I attended a demo day at Berkeley in December and one of the most popular showcases at that event was a dating app that brought students and other young people to in-person events where they could match with other singles, and this, to me, really spoke to a need among my generation for those in-person connections, and I find that these relationships that the people are finding aligned. There also is a reputation now of bad experiences, right, so no longer are these apps new and novel, but there are all these safety precautions built into them, and so there is a raised awareness of how unsafe some online dating apps may be, and that also is a contributing factor to a growing preference towards in-person relationships to find authentic matches.

Tonya J. Long: 1:07:43

Very interesting. I'm a little blown away by the. In junior high you guys had dating profiles online.

Tonya J. Long: 1:07:49

I don't have children so I don't have exposure to that. So fascinating and I'm happy to hear that people value in-person contact and are making an effort to have that be how they engage and find people that are a connection. You and I both do a lot of networking at events. We love people and so I think we're seeing that play over into love and community because of the number of people that are out and trying to be available.

Maxwell Stern: 1:08:17

And, if I may, Tonya, I also want to add that I find I think what would be quite interesting in the next years are dating platforms that are driven by AI matchmaking. So in San Francisco right now, at cafes and at other common spaces, there are many advertisements now for these AI matchmaking platforms and I am curious about how they may affect the dating scene. But I also will add what about young people falling in love with AI chatbots and other agentic avatars? There was a story last month in New York Times about a 27-year-old woman who fell in love with ChatGPT after she personalized the chat bot.

Maxwell Stern: 1:09:00

So I am also curious about how young people will find authentic relationships with non-human actors, and also how that may affect younger generations my cousins, for instance, who are now in middle school, who are entering middle school and high school. How will that platform shift affect their online dating experiences? Yes, they will fall in love with siri you.

Tonya J. Long: 1:09:28

clearly. You're so impressive and you're doing all these things. I don't ever see you being a career politician, but I see you being a career impact player in political analysis and strategy, so you're highly involved in political and social change. You had cared deeply about social topics. Do you think love and activism intersect topics? Do you think love and activism intersect?

Maxwell Stern: 1:09:55

I find the current political climate a politics not of love but of hate, the recent election of Donald Trump for the second time and also Tanya, the rise of incels involuntary celibates on online forums. These are two connected groups, so involuntary celibates complain, or they criticize women for not loving them high status women, in particular online.

Maxwell Stern: 1:10:29

But the origins of this online culture share the same tenets of the politics of Donald Trump and his conservative acolytes this perceived aggrievement of a loss of power a loss of power in economic, in social and in cultural realms, in our society and in politics we see Republicans blame liberals for job loss and for the erasure of white privilege and for the collapse of the traditional family structure. And while, as a Democrat myself, I disagree with some of those criticisms, I would say the Democratic Party is maybe also not a party of love. While many Democrats say they are tolerant and they are inclusive and they love all right, Right of all right.

Maxwell Stern: 1:11:29

Right. The party has also fostered a culture of alienation and ostracizing those who diverge on some of their shared values, and this, to me, is a culture of maybe hate is too strong a word, but it certainly is not a culture of love, right? This is not a culture of a big tent party bringing in Americans of all backgrounds and saying we are all united by our citizenship, by the country we believe and love, and these are the values that we fight for. What I see instead is infighting within the Democrats and calling out and pushing away people, and that, to me, is not a culture or a politics of love.

Maxwell Stern: 1:12:09

In the aftermath of the 2024 election, I would like to see Democrats embrace a more radical politics of love. And that aftermath of the 2024 election, I would like to see Democrats embrace a more radical politics of love, and that may actually take a more moderate form of saying we are going to moderate some of our stances on these political and cultural issues to ensure that we are the big tent party we claim to be. Facet of love and activism, tanya, I want to add the growing love not only for the environment, but, I would argue, also for animals. I think there is a sense that the suffering we, as humans, inflict on animals. Tanya, we slaughtered hundreds of millions of animals each year, while we claim to love our pets, our dogs and cats and this, to me, is a cognitive dissonance that is starting to capture more attention and I would like to see in the future.

Maxwell Stern: 1:13:02

my vision of a social justice of love is to expand our moral circle to include animals and include the environment, and to love more creatures other than just those in our political party, but those also of the same species.

Tonya J. Long: 1:13:18

Amazing. You and I have never talked about animals in all the conversations that we've had. It's the second time this week that love of animals and expanding that consideration and care has come up so clearly. You're ahead of trend, as usual, but it's coming so good. I've got one more question for you. Thank you. This is all so brilliant. You're a thought leader. Even at your juncture of early career, you're very much a thought leader, but you're also a thought leader for your generation. You are representing and giving voice in ways that people can hear for your generation. What conversations are your peers and you having about love and relationships that you think the older generation need to hear? That we would benefit from that we would not necessarily recognize about how your generation is moving into your adult cycle and what you guys are thinking about love and relationships.

Maxwell Stern: 1:14:22

I see consensual, non-monogamous relationships as an emerging trend among my relationships.

Maxwell Stern: 1:14:30

Often this manifests in polyamory, that is, having a relationship with more than one partner. I see this as systemic or symptomatic of a larger crisis of our institutions around the loss of a social safety net and an alienation from family. Also trends of urbanization. Also trends of urbanization. All these macro factors are manifesting in this discourse among young people that maybe we place too much faith in just one person and can we start to love more than one partner in our lifetimes. And this does present challenges managing jealousy and managing insecurities and other challenges.

Maxwell Stern: 1:15:18

But at the end of the day, there is some optimism and some conversation around what. How can this be better? How can we find relationships that nourish us? And we find that one person may be unable to sustain us in all of our multifaceted ways.

Maxwell Stern: 1:15:42

So I find this conversation really quite interesting, and I would also add that, in addition to polyamory, expanding our definitions of love, why is it that in society, we only value or we only cherish intimate relationships with a monogamous partner? It could also be that we as a society should start to place value on those intimate relationships, those platonic relationships between friends and between neighbors and between other members of the community. And when I say that, in practice that manifests in our legal system. For instance, why is it that it is difficult for members of the community to visit sick ones in the hospital, loved ones in the hospital who are sick, if they are not their spouse right? Why is there a taxation system that only allows married couples to take advantage of various fiscal benefits? And so what I am trying to say is that there are expanding notions of love among young people that manifest in polyamory, but then raise questions in the political and social realm that have ramifications for what we allow people to do and what lives we allow them to lead.

Tonya J. Long: 1:17:01

I think that's a very valuable point of data that you brought forward. I've been divorced forever, but I see my friends go through this and tear each other apart and I have reflected why can't people just move on? We can all love more than one person in our lives. I think you've taken it to a whole new level of polyamory. That's not just, it's not serial in the relationships.

Tonya J. Long: 1:17:31

I've often said marriage is a construct and it's a construct that suits our religious beliefs, our financial, the economics of relationships, and it's largely been about women not being able to get loans to purchase property until the year I was born. It's hard to believe that, but women couldn't legally buy homes on their own until I was born, which seems archaic. Those things threw us into the construct of marriage and I do think that your generation and the next will see shifts in acceptance and tolerance of love, broad love of multiple people. I think that makes a lot of sense to me. It is something that my generation needs to be told. It needs to be forecasted, because it's very different from traditional thinking, but I think we're all evolving and I appreciate you bringing that. So thank you.

Maxwell Stern: 1:18:27

Absolutely.

Tonya J. Long: 1:18:28

So we are at the end of our time. I do completely adore you. I value you. I am so honored that you were on this podcast talking about a subject that is not all love and lollipops. You have highlighted that we face some real social change. That's not bad, it's not even scary, it's just different. That's not bad, it's not even scary, it's just different. And we should be talking about those things peacefully, so that everyone achieves their goals, reaches happiness, is surrounded by love and support of all kinds. So thank you.

Maxwell Stern: 1:19:06

Thank you, Tana.

Tonya J. Long: 1:19:09

I appreciate it, Maxwell. Happy Valentine's Day.

Maxwell Stern: 1:19:12

Likewise.

Tonya J. Long: 1:19:13

Likewise. Bye, Love to you. Take care, Come home soon. What a fascinating exploration of love's many languages. Each of our eight guests to reset brought their unique dialect to this conversation about connection in our AI-driven age.

Tonya J. Long: 1:19:31

From John McElligot's insights that love is supposed to be hard to Maxwell Stern's revolutionary vision of expanding love beyond traditional boundaries, we've witnessed how the vocabulary of love is absolutely evolving. Russ and Audrey Elliott, made 47 years, spoke love's enduring language of shared bike rides and pineapple-topped ice cream, while Justin Wink taught us the dialect of loving without expectation and Morgan Templar shared the very worthy wisdom of believe and keep walking. Jackie Dilworth poignantly reminded us that ancient Greeks had five different words for love, while our modern English limits us to just one. Maybe it's time for our modern language to evolve. Nick Larson articulated how quality time has become our generation's love language, and our discussion about AI's role in future relationships revealed an entirely new lexicon of connection, emerging From dating apps to potential AI partners.

Tonya J. Long: 1:20:39

We're creating new ways to express and experience love, and through all these different languages of love, one message remained constant. Whether it's community love, chosen family, self-acceptance or even our relationship with nature and purpose, we are all seeking authentic connection as we navigate this quantum shift in how we express and experience love. We're not just learning new languages, we're creating them. I'm Tonya Long and you've been in community with RESET, where purpose meets possibility. Remember, in times of great change, love speaks all languages. Thank you for joining us for this Valentine's Day special. Keep leading with love.